I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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