My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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