i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
