and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
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we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
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Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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