He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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