"it" just moved
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
