My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
