Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
