i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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