Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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