I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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