He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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