trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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