i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
