On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
