my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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