Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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