Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
