Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
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