Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
