i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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