worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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