You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
