my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
