I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
