dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
