no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
