those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
