Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
