hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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