My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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