dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Randomize
