You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
