The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
