The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Randomize
