So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize