Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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