I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
