he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
