If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
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I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
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You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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