I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
