textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
