Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Randomize
