Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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