one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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