I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
