You don't have asthma, your pregnant
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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