Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
