I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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