please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
whose ass print is on the piano?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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