he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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