My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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