My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Randomize
