Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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